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TheFurFiles – Pets On Parade, Royal Ramblings, Doing It In The Dark

Madame Floretta “Fern” De Villiers, a.k.a. “Amanda Fox”, is an author of erotic fiction and commentary. The following is an excerpt from her advice column for this week.

Friday, May 6th, 2011.

Dear Fern,

As a self-proclaimed relationship maven, do you have any thoughts on the Royal Wedding? And I know that you yourself are married, but is this really an institution that you support? Sometimes, it seems like you’d rather be single.


God Save The Queen

Dear Save Her Indeed,

Oh, I LIKE weddings! And I LIKE marriage. And I like BEING married. Is it a problem that I also support “alone time” and “sowing-your-wild-oats” and “throwing caution to the wind” and “checking out hot guys in Speedos” and “getting your freak on even though you have a ring on your finger”? Being married doesn’t mean you are dead.

And I’ll have you know that on Friday, April 29th, I was up at the crack of dawn to watch the royal ceremony. I got out my “I like the Royal family” dish set and party favors; I donned my “Queen E. Rocks” t-shirt and my flannel “Prince Albert’s face is printed on my butt” pants; I set my knockoff “made in China” tiara in place on top of my head; I made myself tea and shortbread and I cuddled under my Princess Di, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles “$#@%ed up trio” blanket that I bought back in 1996.

As I watched the whole royal spectacle unfold, I was reminded what lovely people Will and his new bride Kate really are, as evidenced by the fact that millions – no, billions – of people around the globe tuned in to the ceremony. Weird though I thought that my cousin Lucy and her husband Ralph are really lovely people too and only one hundred and fifty people showed up to their wedding, thirty or so less than were really invited.

Yes, the number of people who lined the streets to support the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge was quite heartwarming. Even my neighbor Delilah, who can’t even walk a block to the store to buy her cigarettes, managed to get up early that morning to turn on her television set.

As wonderful as it all was but, I will admit, I would have preferred a slightly different focus, namely one “dirty” Harry. Let me stare my eyes longer on that hunky brother of Will’s, the man with the “I could do you better than a monkey does bananas” kind of sex appeal. Certainly, if questioned, I’d step up to the plate if he needed a few pointers in the bedroom. I mean, did you see him in his boxers on the cover of the September 2007 issue of Radar magazine? Redheads rule!

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Hi! My name is Amanda Fox. I write literary erotica as well as dark humour. Sometimes I even place the two together. And I know this may sound weird, but I get inspiration in some of the most unexpected places – Viggo Mortensen (OK, so maybe that’s …

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